Pope Sanctions Chicago-Style As ‘Of God’
While not technically anathema, New Haven style pizza is not recognized by the Catholic Church as the holiest of options.
New Haven Catholics may now have to make a major spiritual decision: give up what is arguably the best pizza in the world or defy the church.
This comes as newly-elected Pope Leo XVI declares that only Chicago-style pizza is “of God.”
The debate over what style is supreme dates back to 1943 when Chicago restaurateur Richard Riccardo accidentally made a bread bowl full of tomato soup and tried to pass it off as pizza. Now, 82 years later, his unholy abomination has been sanctified by the church.
Dios Christianson, of New Haven, said he has nothing but love and respect for the new Pope but there is simply no way he’s giving up the city’s famous apizza.
“With all due respect, he who asks for forgiveness gets it, right?” questioned Chistianson. “So it’s going to be like that then. Pepe’s on Satudary, confession on Sunday.”
Papa Leo, né Robert Prevost, hails from Chicago where he served as Cardinal. He is the first head of the church to weigh in on the Pizza Wars. While previous pontiffs declined to get involved it is reported that Pope Francis was a huge fan of Little Ceasars Crazy Bread.
Christainson said he thinks New Haven style pizza, or apizza (pronounced ah-beetz) as it is called for no apparently good reason, is a much better fit for the church anyway.
“Look at that nice thin, slightly burnt. crust, holding up all the weight of the sauce and the toppings,” he said. “It’s like an extra-large fully loaded Communion wafer. I’m here for it!”
Along the theme of the Eucharist, it is speculated that Papa Leo will soon declare that Malort will be replacing wine as the official Blood of Christ. However he may hold off for fear that doing so would absolutely drive hundreds of thousands of people with functioning taste buds out of the church.
Prayers to God for comment were not returned in any obvious way, though it is possible that as filthy heathens we missed the signs.
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